I Can’t Stop Performing

I have to make you feel something, to be worth something

I always thought that I was using my outfits to feel control over the impressions others had of me. Recently though, I realized, I'm not trying to control what they're thinking about me, I'm trying to control that they're thinking about me at all.

On a fundamental level, I believe that the only way someone will love me, admire me, think of me, is if I perform desirability, or intimidation, or individuality. I have to be a curated version of myself, to be found acceptable. To be found at all.

I was talking to my therapist about what it would mean if someone I was sensitive about were to see me fully unmasked and not performing in any way. No outfit, nor armor, no control. I said, "I would feel humiliated."

She paused, "There's more. What else?"

I questioned myself for a second, caught off guard by my own response. "I would feel unremarkable. Like nothing about me would stand out to them and linger in their mind. And if I don't exist in their mind, if I don't exist in the minds of others, do I even exist?"

Now, I know I exist, clearly. But what I was feeling was the very human need for connection and community. To be isolated, to only live in the mind of one's self, is to feel as if you're not living at all. An infant will fade away without affection, the human mind will go mad if locked away from others for too long. We. Need. Connection.

I walked home twiddling this revelation in my pocket. What does this mean for me? My personal style? My beliefs that I share with others?

I'm still untangling these tangents.

For now, ask yourself, "How am I performing for the judgments of others? And what would happen if I stopped?"

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