Escaping Aimlessness
What the stars taught me about creativity
I’ve spent years of my life lost in the dark woods of aimlessness. Losing strength to cut a clearing, paralyzed by directionlessness. Hopeless and confused, I’d seemingly have no choice but to lie on my back and be swallowed up by the impenetrable darkness.
I thought you got through uncertainty by knowing exactly where you want to end up, and then following or forging a path to get there. Now I realize certainty is not the solution to uncertainty.
Recently I spent quite a while caught up in those woods again. I didn’t have a clear vision of where I wanted to end up, so I couldn’t bring myself to expel the energy it required to fight for an ambiguous dream. I thought if I knew exactly what I wanted, then I would know what direction to move in, and would be bolstered by my certainty to keep pushing beyond my fear and comfort, until I finally made it. Instead, my mind spiraled in confusion, flooded with half thoughts and backup plans catering to the shame I felt for not working, not moving, and not compensating for my inability to follow the beaten path. I sat agonizing in my camp, watching familiar faces sneer as they passed me and went further and further down their trail.
Lying on my back I looked up at the towering trees, and the twinkling stars, whispering to me in the midnight sky. At least there was still beauty. Could this be enough for me?... Is there something wrong with me that it isn't enough?
With self acceptance and self awareness, I know there is no backup plan, no settling for me. I have to move forward. I look behind me and am reminded of how far I’ve come to get to this place. I question, what was I doing then, to make it here? An audacious laugh erupts from my mind as it serves me the answer…
“By doing whatever I wanted.”
Mortified, I frantically flip through my memories. That can’t be the answer. Checking myself, checking my privilege, checking what preceded those huge moments of expansion throughout my life… and there it was. The joy, the curiosity, the desire, propelling me from seemingly unconnected experiences, projects, and places, to get to here.
I look up at the stars again, and I finally make out their whispers. It's not a linear path, it's a constellation.
Somehow everything around me looks completely different, everything has changed, yet nothing has changed. The forest is no longer a wall, every tree becomes an opportunity for play, discovery, inspiration. I’m immediately unshackled of my self imposed expectations and limitations, and attune to the nature of creation. The natural creativity that lives in me, that I am, and once followed. I see that as a creative being, chasing after what makes me joyful, following what I’m curious about, and doing what I want, will naturally connect, and build something beautiful that I could never have designed in foresight. A constellation of experiences, for others to lie on their backs and look up at, and be inspired to create their own.
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