The less fulfilled I am with my life, the more consumed I am with my appearance.
There was a time in my life where I had an incredible opportunity to be the lead stylist of a nation-wide ad campaign. I was so busy with work, waking up early and getting home late, running around all day, doing what I love at such a high level. It was electrifying, and I carried my head high for months after that. Even colliding with my biggest insecurity triggers had no effect on me. I knew who I was, what I was capable of, and was proud of myself.
It’s been a while since then. The days have slowed down. I’m working on less glamorous projects and goals, and I’ve noticed that my mind has been fixated on my appearance lately more than ever.
I was speaking to a friend who was telling me she is feeling the same way. That there are these forces in her life right now that make her feel insecure. Not just body image insecurities, but a lack of true security and stability in her life. I asked her what makes her feel confident, and she said when she feels seen and enjoyed by others. This stood out to me. It was another externalization of validation. She’s handing over the way she feels about herself, into the hands of others. That’s when I knew this was something I wanted to write about.
The coping mechanism to seek out surface level validation to feel a sense of control, is what I call, “the beauty mirage.” It’s a lie fed to us to captivate our minds, self worth, and personal development. They tell women their appearance is the way to have power because they know it is not true power. It is at best the ability to stand next to power, forever at its mercy, rather than develop the skills we need to truly hold it for ourselves. They know the power you would have if you stopped putting your energy and focus on performing desirability, and instead invested in learning and growing.
Building up an authentically rewarding life can stave off being consumed by performative desirability. Deriving confidence from physical and emotional strength, from accomplishment, from actualization and pleasure, is a more fulfilling confidence that comes from within. It teaches you to stop desiring external validation, and instead desire yourself.
I want you to take a moment and make a little list for me. Write down a handful of things that make you feel confident, that are not from external validation. As an example I’ll give you my list: feeling physically strong, being disciplined in changing my bad habits, engaging in my passions, feeling like I know who I am, and being unapologetically me.
So take a moment and try to come up with a few. If you’re struggling to find confidence that isn’t external validation, sit with that. Don’t shame yourself, be curious. Ask yourself why that is the case. Maybe it’s time to explore new skills, new learning, new pleasure, and take your confidence back into your own hands.
